After following the Psalms to pray and meditate for a few years, I am still learning to pray as a beginner. For there are so many things I don’t understand and those easy to understand I don’t take it seriously. For example, Psalm 4:6-7 There are many who say, Who will show us any good? LORD, lift up the light of Your face on us. You have put gladness in my heart, more than in the time that their grain and their wine increased. I realized I repeated the words casually, this is to say I don’t really care if there are any result of “gladness in my heart” or not. Just go through the motion as if I did my duty.
If I were serious about this, I would have to prayed Psalm 13:1-3 “How long will You forget me, O LORD? Forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my heart having sorrow in my heart daily? How long shall my enemy be lifted up over me? Look! Answer me, O LORD my God; enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death“. The reason I don’t feel the urgency to seek the Lord is I am a casual believer, I treated The Word casually.
In the same way, when Jesus said, (Matthew 18:3) “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, there is no way that you shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. If I were serious, I would have asked him how to do it and once knowing the truth I would put into practice immediately. In another words, I have been doubting and believing at the same time, similar to the father of that child, (Mark 9:24) And immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. Help my unbelief is what I needed as well.
It is written; (Jude 1:20) But you, beloved, building yourselves up by your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit. Just one sentence, sound very simple, but it took me several years to increase just a little bit of faith. Then the Holy Spirit show me what is the problem by Psalms 66:18; If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. It is so true, I have to admit my heart probably don’t even care if I sin or not. Then I remember Psalms 36:1-2 (NIV) An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked: There is no fear of God before his eyes. For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. After thinking about this long and hard, I am not that much different than the wicked in 36:2. I just don’t really hate sin that much, maybe that is why I have no fear of God. And that is why I did not ask the Lord to teach me about “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling”, not even once as far as I can remember.
I have to repent. “flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin” means full of self-righteousness can’t see any sin or hate it. Although I can see some of my sin, but don’t rally hate them, so I still practice the same sin over and over again, or with limited improvement. I don’t know what to say.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your loving kindness. Have mercy on me.